“Our past shapes us, but it does not have to define who we become.”
Family is where we first learn about relationships, emotions, and identity. The roles we take on—whether consciously or unconsciously—shape how we see ourselves and connect with others. These roles are often tied closely to our attachment styles, influencing how we navigate relationships throughout life.
In this blog, we will explore common family roles, how they interact with attachment styles, and how you can reshape these patterns to build healthier connections. We will also touch on the ripple effect these dynamics can have on sibling relationships and the development of codependency.
The Role we Take on in Families
Families are like ecosystems, with each person playing a part to maintain balance. These roles often serve us in childhood but can lead to limiting patterns as adults. Here are some common roles:
- The Golden Child Often the favourite, the Golden Child is seen as the family’s pride, receiving praise and admiration. However, this role can create pressure to maintain perfection.
Example: Emma was always praised for her achievements, making her the family’s ‘success story.’ As an adult, she feels trapped by unrealistic expectations and struggles to show vulnerability. - The Scapegoat The Scapegoat is often blamed for the family’s problems, regardless of their actions. This role can lead to feelings of rejection and self-doubt.
Example: Harry was unfairly labelled as the troublemaker in his family. Now, he struggles with self-esteem and fears being misunderstood in relationships. - The Caregiver The Caregiver puts others first, often at their own expense.
Example: Sophie comforted her siblings during family arguments. As an adult, she is the friend everyone relies on but struggles to ask for support herself. - The Achiever The Achiever ties self-worth to accomplishments, constantly striving for praise.
Example: Alex excelled at school to earn his parents’ approval. Now, he feels directionless without external recognition. - The Peacemaker The Peacemaker avoids conflict to maintain harmony.
Example: Emily resolved family arguments growing up. As an adult, she avoids confrontation even when it matters. - The Rebel The Rebel challenges norms and expresses frustration by breaking rules.
Example: David, tired of being unheard, became the “black sheep.” Now, he often feels misunderstood. - The Lost Child The Lost Child withdraws, finding comfort in solitude to escape family tension. Example: Lily spent her childhood alone in her room. Today, she struggles with intimacy and prefers independence.
Sibling Relationships: The Ripple Effect of Family Roles
Family roles do not just impact the individual—they shape the dynamics between siblings as well. When roles like the Golden Child and Scapegoat are assigned, they can create tension, rivalry, or even estrangement. Alternatively, siblings may bond closely to navigate shared challenges.
When Roles Create Rivalry
Parents may foster competition between siblings by comparing them or showing favouritism. For example:
- The Golden Child may feel pressured to maintain their status, distancing themselves from siblings.
- The Scapegoat may resent the Golden Child, feeling overlooked or unfairly criticised.
- Other siblings might feel invisible, adopting roles like the Lost Child to avoid the tension altogether.
Example: Emma, the Golden Child, was constantly praised while her brother Harry, the Scapegoat, was criticised. This dynamic created resentment, and as adults, they struggle to connect because their roles kept them divided.
When Roles Foster Unity
In some families, siblings form strong bonds as a way to navigate challenging environments together.
- A Peacemaker might mediate between siblings to create harmony.
- A Rebel may find camaraderie with siblings who also feel misunderstood.
Example: Lily, the Lost Child, and David, the Rebel, supported each other through their parents’ chaotic behaviour, building a strong, lasting connection.
Long-Term Impact
Sibling relationships shaped by family roles can continue into adulthood. Some dynamics to watch for include:
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- Resentment: Unresolved tension over perceived favouritism or blame.
- Over-reliance: Siblings may lean too heavily on each other, especially if they played Caregiver roles.
- Distance: Those who adopted avoidant behaviours may struggle to maintain close sibling relationships.
Codependency: When Roles Extend into Adulthood
Codependency often starts in childhood when children feel responsible for managing the emotions or behaviours of a parent or sibling. For example:
- A Caregiver may learn to prioritise others’ needs to avoid conflict or gain approval.
- A Peacemaker might suppress their own emotions to maintain harmony.
- A Golden Child could feel pressure to be perfect to validate the family’s image.
Example: Sophie, the Caregiver, grew up comforting her siblings and managing her parents’ emotions. Now, in her relationships, she struggles to set boundaries and feels guilty when prioritising herself.
Signs of Codependency
Some signs of codependency include:
- Difficulty saying “no” or setting boundaries.
- Feeling responsible for others’ happiness or problems.
- A tendency to avoid conflict at all costs.
- Neglecting one’s own needs in favour of others.
Attachment Styles: How Families Shape Us
Attachment theory explains how early caregiving shapes our emotional bonds. The four main attachment styles are:
- Secure Attachment Developed with consistent, nurturing caregiving. Adults with secure attachment trust easily and maintain healthy boundaries.
- Anxious Attachment Formed when caregiving is inconsistent, leading to fear of abandonment and a need for reassurance. Example: Sophie (the Caregiver) fears rejection if she does not meet others’ needs.
- Avoidant Attachment Arises from emotional unavailability, creating self-reliance and difficulty with intimacy.
Example: Lily (the Lost Child) avoids vulnerability, withdrawing from close relationships. - Disorganised Attachment Developed in chaotic or traumatic environments, combining anxious and avoidant behaviours. Example: Harry (the Scapegoat) alternates between seeking approval and pushing others away due to fear of rejection.
Breaking the Cycle
Healing begins with awareness. By recognising your family role, attachment style, the impact on sibling dynamics, and patterns of codependency, you can take steps towards healthier relationships:
- Set Boundaries: Balance your needs with others’.
- Practise Vulnerability: Build trust by sharing your feelings.
- Seek Support: Therapy provides tools to rewrite unhelpful patterns and foster secure attachments.
Final Thoughts
The roles we played in our families shaped us, but they do not define us. Whether you were the Golden Child, the Scapegoat, or the Rebel, you have the power to grow beyond these roles and create the fulfilling relationships you deserve—with yourself, your siblings, and others.
Your Next Step
If you would like to explore your family dynamics, sibling relationships, or patterns of codependency further, therapy offers a safe space to begin. Let us work together to create the fulfilling connections you are seeking.
Click here to learn more about my services.