“Once Cupid’s arrow sparks attraction, it is the courage, care and the choices you make every day that build long-lasting love.”
Love is something most long for, yet it can feel like one of the most confusing, frustrating and even painful experiences. Have you ever found yourself wondering why something so natural can also feel so difficult to find, or even harder to hold on to?
Whether you are searching for the right person, building a new relationship or trying to strengthen the connection you already have, love asks a lot from you, not just from the relationship itself, but from who you are within it.
The truth is, love does not just happen, and it is not something you either succeed at or fail. It is an ongoing process that asks you to understand yourself, make intentional choices, and bring care, courage and curiosity to both the relationship and yourself.
Start with Self-Understanding
A healthy relationship starts long before you meet someone else, it starts with you. Taking time to understand your values, your emotional needs and what truly matters to you is vital.
This is something I often explore with clients who feel stuck in repeating cycles. When they begin to understand what really matters to them, and why, it becomes easier to recognise when a relationship supports their growth, and to step away from those that do not, even if they feel familiar.
Ask yourself:
• What qualities matter most in a partner?
• What kind of relationship do I want to build?
• How do I want to feel within that relationship?
The clearer you are about who you are and what you need, the easier it becomes to recognise when a connection is healthy, and to make decisions that honour your values.
Intentional Dating: Knowing What You Want
It is easy to drift through dating, hoping that love will just appear if you meet enough people. But real, lasting love tends to come through being clear about what you are looking for and being willing to communicate that. This helps set the tone for how others treat you.
This is something I remind clients of regularly. Knowing your non-negotiables does not make you demanding, it makes you clear. There is strength in understanding what truly matters to you, and in being willing to walk away when those values are not met. It is about valuing your own time and emotional energy.
This does not mean having a rigid checklist. It is about understanding your core needs and approaching dating with both openness and clarity.
Exploring Different Ways to Meet People
Once you are clear on what you are looking for, the next step is to open yourself up to opportunities to meet people, sometimes in places you would not expect. There is no single ‘right’ way to meet someone, and what works for one person may not work for another. The key is to be open, curious and willing to step slightly outside of your comfort zone.
Some options to consider:
• Online Dating Apps – These can work well if you approach them with clarity and intention, knowing what you are looking for and being honest about who you are.
• Social Circles and Mutual Connections – Sometimes love grows through introductions from friends or meeting people at social gatherings.
• Shared Interests and Hobbies – Joining classes, groups or clubs around activities you genuinely enjoy (fitness, art, volunteering) can naturally introduce you to like-minded people.
• Professional Networking or Events – For some, meeting someone who understands their career or passions can spark both personal and professional connection.
• Through Everyday Life – Sometimes opportunities arise in the most ordinary moments, a conversation in a coffee shop, at the gym or while walking the dog.
There is no single formula, but the more authentic and connected you feel to your own life, the more naturally you attract connections who are aligned with your values and lifestyle.
Most importantly, finding love is not about forcing connections, but about being open to them and staying grounded in your own sense of self, while remaining curious about the world around you.
Recognise and Break Patterns
We all carry patterns from past relationships, some healthy, some less so. Taking time to reflect on your relationship history can reveal valuable lessons. Do you tend to over-give? Do you avoid conflict? Do you repeatedly choose emotionally unavailable partners?
In sessions, I often hear clients say, ‘I keep attracting the same kind of person. Why does this keep happening?’ The answer is rarely about bad luck. It is usually about familiarity. We are drawn to what feels known, even if it is unhealthy. But the good news is, once you spot the pattern, you have the power to break it.
By becoming aware of these patterns, you can make more conscious choices, rather than falling into familiar cycles that do not serve you.
Understanding yourself is one of the most important foundations for building healthy relationships. If you would like to explore how your family dynamics and attachment style might be shaping the way you connect with others, you can read my blog, ‘The Roles We Play: Understanding Family Dynamics and Attachment Styles,’ here.
Spotting the Signs: Red and Green Flags
Every relationship has ups and downs, but healthy relationships tend to show consistent signs of emotional safety, respect and communication. These are the green flags that signal a strong foundation. In contrast, red flags are warning signs that may point to unhealthy dynamics or unmet emotional needs.
Green flags might include:
• Open and honest communication
• Consistent respect for your boundaries
• Taking responsibility during conflict
• Mutual support for each other’s growth
Red flags might include:
• Dismissing your feelings
• Frequent criticism or blame
• Controlling behaviours or emotional withdrawal
• Avoiding accountability
Learning to spot these signs early and trusting what they tell you can help you make more conscious choices about the relationships you invest in.
If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to relationships where red flags are present, it may be helpful to explore whether unresolved emotional wounds are influencing your choices. I explore this further in my blog, ‘When Emotional Wounds Align: Understanding Trauma Bonding in Relationships.’
Build on Compatibility, Not Just Chemistry
The spark of chemistry can be intoxicating, but long-term love needs more than that. True compatibility, shared values, aligned life goals and the ability to communicate openly, is what sustains love over time.
I often remind clients that the rush of excitement is not the same as emotional safety. Long-term connection grows in the quieter moments, when you feel truly seen, valued and able to be yourself.
Rather than chasing the thrill of instant connection, focus on how you feel in someone’s presence. Do you feel seen, valued and respected? Is there room for you to be your authentic self?
If you would like to explore how understanding your emotional needs and love languages can strengthen your connection, you might find my blog, ‘The Power of Connection: Building Strong Relationships Through Understanding,’ helpful.
Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Modern relationships often carry a weight of expectation that no single person could realistically fulfil. It is easy to fall into the belief that the ‘right’ partner will be everything, best friend, passionate lover, confidant, emotional anchor and practical support system all rolled into one.
In my work, I have seen how these expectations, often shaped by romantic ideals or past disappointments, can place enormous pressure on relationships. Healthy love thrives when we allow space for both connection and individuality.
While it is natural to want deep connection and intimacy, healthy love leaves room for other relationships and outlets to meet different needs.
The strongest relationships often thrive when both people feel supported not only within the relationship, but also through friendships, family connections, personal passions and individual growth.
Learn to Soothe Yourself
Romantic relationships can stir up old wounds, fear of rejection, abandonment anxiety or deep-rooted beliefs about your own worth. While love can be incredibly healing, it is not your partner’s job to soothe every insecurity you carry.
This is one of the most powerful shifts I see in clients, learning that they can hold space for their own feelings without needing their partner to rescue them from every moment of discomfort.
The ability to self-soothe, to sit with uncomfortable feelings, reflect on where they come from and respond with compassion towards yourself, is one of the most valuable tools you can bring to a relationship. When you can calm your own emotional storms, you reduce the pressure on the relationship and give it space to breathe and thrive.
Vulnerability: The Heart of Connection
True intimacy requires the courage to be vulnerable, to share your fears, desires and needs, even when it feels uncomfortable. It is in these moments of openness that trust deepens and real connection forms.
Love grows when both people feel safe enough to be fully themselves, knowing they will be met with understanding and care.
Conflict is Inevitable – Repair is What Matters
Disagreements are not the enemy of love, avoidance and resentment are. Conflict is a natural part of any meaningful relationship, and what matters most is how you repair after those moments of tension.
Clients often tell me they worry that conflict means they are incompatible, but in reality, the healthiest couples are the ones who can work through conflict together, with curiosity rather than blame.
When both people can listen, own their part and work towards understanding, conflicts become opportunities for growth rather than threats to connection. The goal is never to avoid conflict altogether, but to find ways to navigate it with care, curiosity and respect.
One technique I often share with clients to help navigate difficult conversations is called The Therapeutic Sh*t Sandwich. It offers a simple but effective way to express concerns while keeping communication open and respectful. If you would like to learn more, you can read my blog here.
Love is a Mirror
Every relationship offers a mirror that reflects back the parts of yourself that are still tender, unresolved or ready to grow. If you find yourself reacting strongly to something your partner says or does, take a moment to pause and reflect: What is this touching in me?
Love has a way of showing us both our strengths and our wounds. The more willing you are to look inward, the more clarity and emotional freedom you bring into your relationship.
Nurture Your Own Growth
Healthy relationships are built by two whole people who choose to grow together. The more you invest in your emotional well-being and personal growth, the more you are able to bring curiosity, resilience and self-awareness into the relationship itself.
When you are grounded in who you are, you are better able to set boundaries, communicate your needs and build healthy connections. Personal growth and relationship growth go hand in hand.
Part of nurturing your own growth is understanding the life experiences that have shaped how you relate to yourself and others. Exploring your personal timeline can help you recognise patterns, release emotional weight, and create space for healthier relationships. If you would like to learn more, you can read my blog, ‘The Stress Bucket and Timeline: A Powerful Tool for Emotional Wellbeing.’
Key Takeaways
- Love starts with self-awareness.
- Intentional dating leads to better matches.
- Self-soothing reduces unnecessary conflict.
- Compatibility matters more than chemistry.
- Relationships thrive when both people keep growing.
Final Thoughts
In my work as a counsellor, I often meet people who come to therapy wondering why love feels so difficult and questioning whether they are somehow getting it wrong or if lasting connection is even possible for them.
What I gently help them uncover is that they are not failing at all, they are simply repeating patterns, protecting old wounds or carrying beliefs about love that were shaped long before this relationship began.
The most fulfilling relationships do not come from perfection, but from two people who are willing to do the inner and outer work of truly seeing each other, and themselves, with honesty, patience and care.
Whether you are just starting out in a new relationship or have been together for years, couples counselling can be a valuable space to build strong foundations, improve communication, and deepen your understanding of each other. Investing in your relationship early can help you navigate challenges with confidence and create lasting connection.
If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, click here for more information on my couples counselling service and how I can support you both to move forward.